Turkey Days

So, it was kind of a rough time this weekend. Aside from all of the food at Thanksgiving dinners, we spent a great deal of time with the extended family. It was really nice, but it got me to thinking a lot about my future and how it'll affect them all. The problem I have is that no one wants to talk to me about my transition. They may talk to Bubbles a little bit to express their concerns, and I imagine that they have an occasional discussion between themselves, but no one wants to come to the source, even though I've made it very clear that I am willing to speak to them very openly and honestly about it.

Looking at it from their perspective, I can understand why. As I've said, it is a very uncomfortable topic, but my fear is that misinformation will lead them down mental paths that they need not go, making assumptions based on the worlds view or their own experiences rather than the facts that I would love to share with them.

Hopefully some day they will open up. Maybe when Caitlyn becomes more of an everyday presence and they are forced to see me for who I am rather than the person they've known for so long. My fear is that by that time, I will be so far in my transition and they will know so little about it, that they will just avoid me altogether.

Well, when I made the decision to transition, I accepted the fact that a lot of people would likely drop out of my life. It just goes back to what I said about unconditional love...can they accept the real me, or do they need to hang on their old idea of me because changing that is too scary for them?

We'll see...

The awesome power of unconditional love

I received an email over the weekend from someone I have never met, but nonetheless is aware of my transition. They wrote me begging me to reconsider, sharing with me the heartbreak they faced in their own transition, which ultimately led to them reverting to their males self (this is not easy and many times can be even more damaging). I have to say, this really messed me up. I spent days in a constant state of bewilderment about whether I was making the right choice. Of course this occurred at the exact time that I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) which put me in an even more fragile state of mind.

This brought to mind a lot of things much bigger than a single post can touch on, including societal views of transsexualism and taking personal responsibility in our lives. I will talk about these in future posts, but the one I want to talk about here is love. It's no secret that our lives center on our relationships with those around us. It's a very complex system of give and take, and there a lot of things we can do along the way to test those relationships. I think the majority of them fall into one of three categories; things we do against other people, things we do in our own self interest, and lastly, deciding to be true to ourselves.

Sometimes people act in their own self interest by committing crimes against other people. Theft, murder, what have you. This is the ultimate in selfishness and it's no surprise that it tears families apart. Our ability to love someone is based on the premise that that person can love in return, and nothing shows a lack of love for others like a personal attack of this sort. True, we are all deserving of love on some level, but we have to show that we are worthy of that love. This doesn't do it.

Acting in our own self interest is a bit more complicated. Here we get into the seven deadly sins a bit more. Greed, lust, sloth, etc. These are the things that say "I'm going to do what I want and I don't care what anyone else thinks". This also encompasses ignoring the responsibility that you have to those that depend on you, by going out with friends all the time, drinking and driving, etc. Love isn't necessarily lost here, if the person is willing to look inside and see how they are hurting those that care for them. Again, we must show that we are worthy of that love.

Lastly, is being true to ourselves. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where the true depth of relationships show. When you have spent years with a person in your life, and they suddenly tell you that something inside them has changed, and they need to pursue that to be the best person they can be, it puts us in a very uncomfortable position. This is when we have to face the truth of "if you love someone, set them free". We must put aside our own needs, desires, and viewpoints, and look at the world through the other person's eyes. This is where we have to ask, "do I love this person for who they truly are, or do I love them for who they appear to be?" It's all about our perception of people and our ability to accept changes in that perception. Is your love based on what that person brings to the table as a wife, husband, mother, father, or friend, or is it based on the much deeper love for them as a person no matter what that means. Are we able to love that person so much that we can let them be who they really are, no matter what sense of loss we may feel.

That's unconditional love. I've had the distinct honor of being the recipient of that level of love, and it's a  beautiful thing. There is arguably no bigger test of that love than to tell your wife of 18 years that you need to change genders. I never thought it was possible, but it happened.

I love you Bubbles

The players

I thought I should start by introducing the people that mean the most to me, and the ones that (hopefully) will help me get from Point M to Point F. Aliases are being used to protect the innocent.

Caitlyn - that's me :-)

Bubbles - My wife, my love, my number one fan. Against all odds, she has pledged to support me through this. Will we still be married in the end? Only time will tell. I pray to God that we are, but I do know that she is my best friend, and if I can at least keep that, I'll be able to face anything.

T-bird - My son. He lives out of town. He is in his early twenties and thinks this is weird. You have to know him; completely honest, very loyal. If he had a major problem with, I know he would tell me. He hasn't.

Truffles - My oldest daughter. Mid-teens and eerily overjoyed at what I'm doing. She may be hiding her true feelings; I just don't know. But, she's shared with a couple of friends and they're cool with it too, so maybe she'll continue to be as well.

Cobbler - My youngest daughter. She a tough nut to crack. She thinks it's weird, too. She won't talk much about it. She's very introverted by nature, and that worries me. She says she's ok with it, but I'm not sure I believe it. Her history of internalizing tells me different. We'll see.

Anastasia - My gf/confidante at work. The only one of 5,000 or so people I work with that I knew I could trust. Very accepting, fun-loving, and caring; exactly the kind of person I need to get me through the day. She's dying to give me a makeover and go shopping! Very cool. As a side note, she asked specifically to be identified as Anastasia Beaverhausen. Click here if you need an explanation :-)

The journey begins

Yesterday, I began a long, exciting, frightening journey; it was the day I took my first female hormones. Making the decision to leave behind the self you've become so accustomed to is not easy. For better or for worse, it's a known entity. It has a certain comfort. However, it holds a lot of painful memories. Living your life feeling as though you are in the wrong body is scary too, but you learn to adapt. I mean, you have no choice, right? Society demands it. You either learn to be one of the guys, or you are marked.

We live in a society that doesn't respond well to things outside the norm. It's uncomfortable, so we ridicule it so that we can distance ourselves from it. Very few things in this world are more uncomfortable than gender dysphoria, which is the "official" term for what I experience on a daily basis. Simply put, it means that your bodily characterstics are not congruent with your "inner self". It's uncomfortable for those living with it, and its uncomfortable for those that come into contact with someone who is living as their true self. You cannot possibly imagine the pain this causes.

I'll talk alot more about this pain, the presumed causes, and the quest to become more comfortable in my skin. But right now, I'm thinking alot about what I'm leaving behind, and the uncertainty that the future brings. Will it be worth it? Will I make my life worse than it was before? I don't know. The eternal optimist in me keeps telling me that it's all gonna be good. When I pray about it, I feel like it will be. I guess only time will tell.

Welcome to the journey.