The battle for my soul

I'm a lifelong Catholic. The Catholic church does not see eye to eye with the path I'm taking. To make a long story short, I needed to explain my situation to a nun at my church when I began transitioning. She was very understanding and supportive, but urged me very much not to do this. I ran into her again yesterday during my lunchbreak and when she realized that I was going forward with transitioning anyway, I was lectured about it being a mortal sin to change our God-given body and such. It was very upsetting. What follows is a chat I had with Anastasia when I got back to work. I copied it here in hopes that it will help someone else work through this issue if they are struggling with it.

Caitlyn[1:55 PM]:
i just want to go home, get in bed and forget the world
Caitlyn[1:56 PM]:
dammit, why did she have to do this
Anastasia[2:16 PM]:
oh no...
Anastasia[2:16 PM]:
stop that immediately!
Anastasia[2:16 PM]:
why are you taking it to heart so much? she's only parroting back what she thinks is the truth.
Anastasia[2:17 PM]:
and - in the words of the great philosopher, jeffrey "the dude" lebowski:
Anastasia[2:17 PM]:
"well... that's just, like, um... your opinion, man..."
Anastasia[2:17 PM]:
you are not going to hell
Anastasia[2:17 PM]:
what the hell is a mortal sin anyway?
Anastasia[2:18 PM]:
it's all just made up stuff you know.
Anastasia[2:26 PM]:
are you ok?
Caitlyn[2:34 PM]:
i'll be alright. It's just that this is so counter to my entire belief system for the last 40 years, which is what kept it bottled up all those years in the first place
Caitlyn[2:35 PM]:
i keep telling myself to follow my heart, but it ain't that easy
Caitlyn[2:35 PM]:
to just let go of everything you've based your entire existence on
Caitlyn[2:37 PM]:
i mean,. i know the church has issues, i know it has dirty little secrets, and I know that a lot of the things the church holds up as doctrine are rather self-serving
Caitlyn[2:37 PM]:
i have to remember that this is between me and God, not between me and the church
Caitlyn[2:37 PM]:
they are very separte things
Caitlyn[2:39 PM]:
i guess it isn't so much a matter of what she said and how she said it
Caitlyn[2:40 PM]:
but the realization that the path i'm taking and continuing to be a practicing catholic are just incompatible and i'm going to need to put that aside
Anastasia[2:42 PM]:
yeah... that has to be tough. but remember- it's they who are not being accepting of you, not that you are a sinner.
Anastasia[2:43 PM]:
i just don't think that new testament JC would have a problem with it.
Anastasia[2:43 PM]:
i mean, wasn't he always hanging out w/the degenerate crowd anyway???
Anastasia[2:43 PM]:
mary m??? hello!
Caitlyn[2:43 PM]:
good point
Anastasia[2:43 PM]:
so why would he have a problem with you?
Anastasia[2:44 PM]:
it's not degenerate to be yourself
Anastasia[2:44 PM]:
hey- if he can overlook turning tricks, i don't think you have a problem
Caitlyn[2:45 PM]:
i like ur reasoning
Caitlyn[2:45 PM]:
no wonder we get along so well
Anastasia[2:45 PM]:
well, the church is VERY illogical
Caitlyn[2:45 PM]:
i know'
Anastasia[2:45 PM]:
it never made sense to me - esp. as a kid.
Anastasia[2:45 PM]:
a jealous god???
Anastasia[2:45 PM]:
WTF is that?
Anastasia[2:46 PM]:
and it's pretty easy for a nun or priest to be handing out moral judgements, considering they pretty much have cloistered themselves away from all that messiness.
Anastasia[2:46 PM]:
SUPPOSEDLY
Anastasia[2:47 PM]:
(altar boys, gay nuns & priests, etc)
Anastasia[2:48 PM]:
there are so many good things about christianity that are totally blown off for the crap things.
Caitlyn[2:48 PM]:
i think part of my problem has always been that i had no opinion of my own. I think my view of the world was so distorted by not knowing who or what the hell i even was that I was afraid to have one. So, that made it very easy for me to fall under the spell of "Trust Us...this comes straight from God to the Pope and how can you argue with that??"
Anastasia[2:49 PM]:
like being god-fearing. yah, i need MORE things to be afraid of. yay.
Anastasia[2:49 PM]:
that makes a lot of sense
Anastasia[2:49 PM]:
why would god want us to be afraid of him?
Anastasia[2:49 PM]:
that's just stupid.
Anastasia[2:49 PM]:
i could go on for HOURS....
Caitlyn[2:50 PM]:
so basically i was always a follower...it was easy to see how everyone else was leaning so that I didn't stand out as being different
Anastasia[2:50 PM]:
well, now you are free, baby! and god loves that!
Anastasia[2:50 PM]:
see- it all makes sense
Caitlyn[2:50 PM]:
i know...i just needed to be reminded of it. Thank you
Anastasia[2:51 PM]:
do you think that your kids would be happier with things the way they were, or with parents who are proud to be themselves, support each other, and love each other?
Caitlyn[2:51 PM]:
now if i can just hold the tears back
Caitlyn[2:51 PM]:
stupid hormones
Caitlyn[2:51 PM]:
lol...depends on which one
Anastasia[2:52 PM]:
call me a pagan (please), but i think god would really like your kids' parents to love and support each othter. and to stand by each other through THIS????
Anastasia[2:52 PM]:
that's huge. how much more loving can you get?
Caitlyn[2:52 PM]:
Cobbler is happiest when things are going according to Cobbler’s plans
Anastasia[2:52 PM]:
well.... im sure she'd rather live in a house where you and Bubbles are discussing bras than divorce
Anastasia[2:53 PM]:
ur welcome
Caitlyn[2:53 PM]:
good point
Anastasia[2:53 PM]:
im full of them sometimes.
Anastasia[2:53 PM]:
ONLY sometimes.
Caitlyn[2:53 PM]:
more often than you know
Anastasia[2:53 PM]:
well... on issues like this, i just don't see ANY reason to believe the church.
Anastasia[2:54 PM]:
would it not be more christian to love each other, support them rather than making them miserable every second of every day? that's just cruel.
Anastasia[2:55 PM]:
it's her truth, not yours.
Caitlyn[2:56 PM]:
hallelujah, sister!!
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
WORD! TESTIFY!
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
represent!!!
Caitlyn[2:56 PM]:
thanks
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
recognize!!!
Caitlyn[2:56 PM]:
i feel better now
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
anytime
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
really??? good
Caitlyn[2:56 PM]:
i knew i could count on you
Anastasia[2:56 PM]:
always. don't let the bastards get you down.
Caitlyn[2:57 PM]:
gotcha

A funny thing happened to me on the way to female

This past weekend was a banner weekend for me. I finally got up the nerve to take pictures of me to share with the world; well, a small part of it anyway. It all started when I painted my fingernails. I only did this once before a long time ago, but I had a lot of trouble removing all of the evidence of polish and it freaked me out cause I was afraid my family would notice. So, I never did it again till this weekend.

After I finished I was sitting in the living room with Bubbles and and my daughter Truffles and I said something about the job I did not being bad for a first time (because it basically was). Truffles looks at them and says "You mean this is the first time you did your nails? That's better than I can do!" We laughed and then she bursts out with "THIS IS NOT FAIR!! My dad is a better girl than I am!!"

I just about died laughing, cause she was totally serious! It was very funny!