I received an email over the weekend from someone I have never met, but nonetheless is aware of my transition. They wrote me begging me to reconsider, sharing with me the heartbreak they faced in their own transition, which ultimately led to them reverting to their males self (this is not easy and many times can be even more damaging). I have to say, this really messed me up. I spent days in a constant state of bewilderment about whether I was making the right choice. Of course this occurred at the exact time that I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) which put me in an even more fragile state of mind.
This brought to mind a lot of things much bigger than a single post can touch on, including societal views of transsexualism and taking personal responsibility in our lives. I will talk about these in future posts, but the one I want to talk about here is love. It's no secret that our lives center on our relationships with those around us. It's a very complex system of give and take, and there a lot of things we can do along the way to test those relationships. I think the majority of them fall into one of three categories; things we do against other people, things we do in our own self interest, and lastly, deciding to be true to ourselves.
Sometimes people act in their own self interest by committing crimes against other people. Theft, murder, what have you. This is the ultimate in selfishness and it's no surprise that it tears families apart. Our ability to love someone is based on the premise that that person can love in return, and nothing shows a lack of love for others like a personal attack of this sort. True, we are all deserving of love on some level, but we have to show that we are worthy of that love. This doesn't do it.
Acting in our own self interest is a bit more complicated. Here we get into the seven deadly sins a bit more. Greed, lust, sloth, etc. These are the things that say "I'm going to do what I want and I don't care what anyone else thinks". This also encompasses ignoring the responsibility that you have to those that depend on you, by going out with friends all the time, drinking and driving, etc. Love isn't necessarily lost here, if the person is willing to look inside and see how they are hurting those that care for them. Again, we must show that we are worthy of that love.
Lastly, is being true to ourselves. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where the true depth of relationships show. When you have spent years with a person in your life, and they suddenly tell you that something inside them has changed, and they need to pursue that to be the best person they can be, it puts us in a very uncomfortable position. This is when we have to face the truth of "if you love someone, set them free". We must put aside our own needs, desires, and viewpoints, and look at the world through the other person's eyes. This is where we have to ask, "do I love this person for who they truly are, or do I love them for who they appear to be?" It's all about our perception of people and our ability to accept changes in that perception. Is your love based on what that person brings to the table as a wife, husband, mother, father, or friend, or is it based on the much deeper love for them as a person no matter what that means. Are we able to love that person so much that we can let them be who they really are, no matter what sense of loss we may feel.
That's unconditional love. I've had the distinct honor of being the recipient of that level of love, and it's a beautiful thing. There is arguably no bigger test of that love than to tell your wife of 18 years that you need to change genders. I never thought it was possible, but it happened.
I love you Bubbles
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